


Words Fail

by skships



Category: Critical Role
Genre: M/M, episode 97 spoilers, i am very soft for these wizards, the mighty nein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22979458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skships/pseuds/skships
Summary: Wooo I’ve never written a cr fic before, but I had very strong feelings regarding last week’s  episode and angsty wizards. I tried!Title and lyrics taken from “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen - all rights belong to the show.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 5
Kudos: 108





	Words Fail

**Author's Note:**

> Wooo I’ve never written a cr fic before, but I had very strong feelings regarding last week’s episode and angsty wizards. I tried! 
> 
> Title and lyrics taken from “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen - all rights belong to the show.

I _never meant to make it such a mess_  
 _I never thought that it would go this far_

And he didn’t. He didn’t think that it would lead to war, and death, and one whole political mess that has gone so far beyond his control. He just wanted to learn. He was selfish. Is selfish. Is everyone not just selfish?

He just wanted to be something. He was expected, almost needed, to be something. He was gifted, everyone told him so, and he knew it. Knowledge and power was all he had in the world, where he had to fight to keep up and make a mark because he was younger and hadn’t lived. He was only trying to fight his own way.

He knows, though, that it isn’t an excuse for what he has done. Nothing is. Nothing will be.

_I guess I thought I could be part of this_   
_I never had this type of thing before_

He was doing ok. Covering it up, holding it together. But then they happened - the Nein, bursting in, a ragtag collection of misfits holding up their beacon. And the human wizard who burned like fire. Caleb, with a hunger for magic and who asked him about dunamancy in a shy voice, with his papers full of scribbles and his eyes sorrowful, who’s touch made him flinch away because he hadn’t felt something like that in a long time. He tries not to think about that.

The Nein happened, and he never found get rid of them; of course, it was couteau to see them safe, but then they were unavoidable. They drew attention wherever they went. And they wanted his, sometimes making him stressed and worn, but they were amusing. Warm, noisy, chaotic. They invited him in, to their elaborate tree-house, something jarring amidst the neatness he was used to, and he realised that something unexpected was happening. He was starting to like them.

(And then there was Caleb. There was always Caleb.)

When he ate with them, the excitable tiefling, Jester, barraging him with questions, the firbolg serving food amiably amidst the conversation, he realises that this has become a personal affair. Caleb catches his eyes with a piercing gaze. They tease each other, they fit in so comfortably, and to him, they are a family in a way that the Dens are not. Not to him, at least. The Nein, they welcome him in, they ask him things beyond the dynasty, and he smiles nervously. Deep down, he thinks he may even class them as friends.

They weren’t supposed to happen. Caleb, with his history that stings him, wasn’t supposed to happen. But it did, gentle laughter and blue eyes and lilting accents. His heart swells and he knows it is wrong of him, that he must be marble, but suddenly it was no longer possible.

_This was just a sad invention_   
_It wasn't real, I know_   
_But we were happy_   
_I guess I couldn't let that go_

There was a war, and there was pain: he saw it in Caleb, in the bandages he wore, and the goblin girl, Nott. In all of them, in everyone. But he was selfish and foolish, and maybe he thought that the war would resolve, and it would be ok. He should’ve known better that things would become far more complicated. So he tried to balance them, the Essek Thelyss, the shadowhand, and the mole. The traitor. It was exhausting, but with the Mighty Nein, he felt like he had hope for something.

_Now I stand here, sorry, searching for something to say_

_Something to say_

They look so disappointed, so ashamed. Quite frankly, they look angry, and he can’t look at them. When Caleb meets his eyes, they are cold, but they burn. He called them his friends. But he let them down. And there’s nothing he can say.


End file.
